RESPONSE TO :Going Dutch

First…A little history:
Going Dutch is a slang term that means that each person eating at a restaurant or paying admission for entertainment pays for himself or herself, rather than one person paying for everyone. It is also called Dutch date and Dutch Treat. There is a delicate etiquette surrounding going Dutch. It may be accepted in some situations, such as between non-intimate friends or less affluent people, but considered stingy in other circumstances, such as on a romantic date or at a business lunch.
The traditional way to handle a bill on a date in the “West” has been that the one who invited the other takes the bill and the invitee may not even know the actual price of the meal. An alternative view is that traditionally payment has always been made by the male. Full payment by the male is still most common but is no longer certain.
During the advent of second wave feminism, the late 1960s and 1970s, the women's movement encouraged women to understand aspects of their own personal lives as deeply politicized. Many feminists investigated the framework and assumptions of traditional courtship roles. They subscribed to the idea that there should be equality of the sexes, not just legally, but socially and sexually.
They held that it was mature, empowering and self-respecting for women to pay their own way in romantic dates. They were rejecting traditional gender role assumptions that men should make more money and should pay for affections through dinners and other date costs. In this way, women were making an equal investment in the cost of courtship.
It became more common for women to pay their own way or to pay for men's meals. Some women were offended if their male dining partner "grabbed the check."
Since the 1990s, many women have abandoned 1970s feminism's ideals for equality of gender roles and relationships. Many have reverted to adopting 'traditional' investment in the courting relationship, and assumptions about men's responsibility to spend money to express affection. The feminist view point is that the other result of this is the creation of a debt or a feeling that female now 'owes' the male something, redeemable through the offering of sexual favors. Women began to choose not to put themselves in this position and thus empowered themselves by paying their own way.
Social custom also varies among same-sex couples. Most often, it is the inviter or the one whose financial situation most lends him or her to pay who does so. The lack of rigid tradition, however, leaves no widely adopted custom.

Going even a bit further back… The idea of “courting” is an old-fashioned idea, in the era when it was not common for woman to work. A man was approved by the father of the woman based on family & personal history as well as his ability to “take care” of the woman. Since the woman did not work to provide income, she was presumed a house-wife. She gladly took on the responsibilities of the home, children, and was awaiting home for her husband, upon his return from a long day at work.

I have a mixed view on the idea of going Dutch, though I wanted to post the discussion just to make this whole topic more transparent for my FRIENDS who may be SSBW…( Single Successful Black Woman). That is a whole other topic, which will be discussed in another post, but let’s continue. It must be noted that the as the time has changed, so have gender and race roles in America. Nationally, men average a higher salary than woman in America, though in “Black America”, this statistic is swapped. Black Women’s success in numbers has by far surpassed their black male counterpart.

I live by the above stated, the person who invited the other pays. In my personal experiences, I am the aggressor and generally pursue woman and will invite them on a “first date” and will assume responsibility for the costs of the outing. I have also been approached by woman interested in me, who have invited me out, and will-fully accepted the responsibility of the expenses of the date. Traditionally…boy likes girl, boy asks girl on a date, TRUE. This is still the most common practice, though our new social interactions and growth from “traditional roles” of each sex has provided so many other possible situations and encounters. Men and woman are interacting through education, professionally and socially more than ever. Your options for mates are no longer confined to your high school or a family friend, but now across the world with the technology we have access to today.

The modern woman is no longer playing the role of the house wife. On average, she is now higher educated and more driven than the male. By choice, woman have dismissed the customary role and responsibilities of the house wife, as a certainty. In short, the modern woman and her role in society has changed drastically. With that said, can we not expect the same for a male?...

I will save this post from opinion, as I just wanted to collectively post ideas and allow both men and woman to approach dating and paying from a holistic view. Not only are we in a financial crisis in the world, though woman are making the same if not more on average than men. As woman are now ALSO in search for that “ideal worthy mate” as once seemed to be the quest of men, should they not share the expense of that process? With the more randomly occurring interactions, both business and social, there is more room for relationships which are strictly platonic, as well as mixed signals crossing. Would a “Dutch Date” to provide you with private time outside of your normal group or random passing interaction be so farfetched? This would leave no debt, or sense of being used for either, in the event that there were no romantic sparks exchanged and the first or second date, would also be the last. We will also save the topic of the women who use and abuse men for dates when they are clearly not interested romantically but show enough interest to keep the man chasing, for another post as well (Thankfully, my background has saved me from falling victim to that trauma).

Some woman stray away from pursuing men. This idea, with the growth of the perception of a women’s role, is now socially acceptable. On the other hand, throwing yourself at a man, is not attractive. Going just a little out of your way with a smile, or speaking briefly with a greeting, are easy forwards that do not require much effort. A man can be just as equally interested in you, or not have noticed you by chance, though be interested completely. Some men, may just be a little intimidated due to failed attempts in the past with woman he may put on a pedestal, like yourself. Going even further, to suggest an outing with a man you know or have met would be flattering for him, and held within high regard. To offer to take the entire bill, will make him blush, and chances are he will insist he handle it. The over and above, planning the entire date and covering all of the expenses…BREATHTAKING! As a starter…maybe just cover a round of drinks if you’re not too crazy about the whole idea. As woman like men to show their affection and interest through action, men do as well. And ladies, wake-up call…SEX…is not the answer!

Taking away the control of the financial situation from just one side is a great thing for both parties. It forces both to be more creative to express their affections. It allows both to see the depth of the real person, versus the truth being shaded by a façade. A man can create himself to fit any bill if he deems that necessary to “get you”, but that may not be the life he truly is, And you…FRIEND, will catch the short end in the long run. A man would even spend money on a “prostitute” for sex. But only a man genuinely interested will invest thought, time and continuous effort. Though, this does not validate your, mental timeline for each step of progress in your relationship. You are an intelligent successful woman, you can make proper judgment. Although to do so, it’s in your best interest to remove all the opportunities for BS and false characterization.

Yes, Your Weekly bottle popper, steak house regular, BMW driver…may have no savings, stocks investments nor his own place.

Woman, besides clothes shopping…you spend smart when you can. Your mind, on average more than a man’s, thinks of the future in regards to your finances.

In closing, ask yourself this question:
Would you rather a man take you out on lavish expensive dates, purchase your expensive taste items, and splurge to show his “affection” OR him have been spending wisely to contribute or purchase for you in advance, that house, engagement ring, and wedding you’ve always dreamed of?

Unless your dating an investment banker who went to college on a scholarship…the odds of both, are not in your favor!

Just a thought…