RESPONSE TO :Going Dutch

First…A little history:
Going Dutch is a slang term that means that each person eating at a restaurant or paying admission for entertainment pays for himself or herself, rather than one person paying for everyone. It is also called Dutch date and Dutch Treat. There is a delicate etiquette surrounding going Dutch. It may be accepted in some situations, such as between non-intimate friends or less affluent people, but considered stingy in other circumstances, such as on a romantic date or at a business lunch.
The traditional way to handle a bill on a date in the “West” has been that the one who invited the other takes the bill and the invitee may not even know the actual price of the meal. An alternative view is that traditionally payment has always been made by the male. Full payment by the male is still most common but is no longer certain.
During the advent of second wave feminism, the late 1960s and 1970s, the women's movement encouraged women to understand aspects of their own personal lives as deeply politicized. Many feminists investigated the framework and assumptions of traditional courtship roles. They subscribed to the idea that there should be equality of the sexes, not just legally, but socially and sexually.
They held that it was mature, empowering and self-respecting for women to pay their own way in romantic dates. They were rejecting traditional gender role assumptions that men should make more money and should pay for affections through dinners and other date costs. In this way, women were making an equal investment in the cost of courtship.
It became more common for women to pay their own way or to pay for men's meals. Some women were offended if their male dining partner "grabbed the check."
Since the 1990s, many women have abandoned 1970s feminism's ideals for equality of gender roles and relationships. Many have reverted to adopting 'traditional' investment in the courting relationship, and assumptions about men's responsibility to spend money to express affection. The feminist view point is that the other result of this is the creation of a debt or a feeling that female now 'owes' the male something, redeemable through the offering of sexual favors. Women began to choose not to put themselves in this position and thus empowered themselves by paying their own way.
Social custom also varies among same-sex couples. Most often, it is the inviter or the one whose financial situation most lends him or her to pay who does so. The lack of rigid tradition, however, leaves no widely adopted custom.

Going even a bit further back… The idea of “courting” is an old-fashioned idea, in the era when it was not common for woman to work. A man was approved by the father of the woman based on family & personal history as well as his ability to “take care” of the woman. Since the woman did not work to provide income, she was presumed a house-wife. She gladly took on the responsibilities of the home, children, and was awaiting home for her husband, upon his return from a long day at work.

I have a mixed view on the idea of going Dutch, though I wanted to post the discussion just to make this whole topic more transparent for my FRIENDS who may be SSBW…( Single Successful Black Woman). That is a whole other topic, which will be discussed in another post, but let’s continue. It must be noted that the as the time has changed, so have gender and race roles in America. Nationally, men average a higher salary than woman in America, though in “Black America”, this statistic is swapped. Black Women’s success in numbers has by far surpassed their black male counterpart.

I live by the above stated, the person who invited the other pays. In my personal experiences, I am the aggressor and generally pursue woman and will invite them on a “first date” and will assume responsibility for the costs of the outing. I have also been approached by woman interested in me, who have invited me out, and will-fully accepted the responsibility of the expenses of the date. Traditionally…boy likes girl, boy asks girl on a date, TRUE. This is still the most common practice, though our new social interactions and growth from “traditional roles” of each sex has provided so many other possible situations and encounters. Men and woman are interacting through education, professionally and socially more than ever. Your options for mates are no longer confined to your high school or a family friend, but now across the world with the technology we have access to today.

The modern woman is no longer playing the role of the house wife. On average, she is now higher educated and more driven than the male. By choice, woman have dismissed the customary role and responsibilities of the house wife, as a certainty. In short, the modern woman and her role in society has changed drastically. With that said, can we not expect the same for a male?...

I will save this post from opinion, as I just wanted to collectively post ideas and allow both men and woman to approach dating and paying from a holistic view. Not only are we in a financial crisis in the world, though woman are making the same if not more on average than men. As woman are now ALSO in search for that “ideal worthy mate” as once seemed to be the quest of men, should they not share the expense of that process? With the more randomly occurring interactions, both business and social, there is more room for relationships which are strictly platonic, as well as mixed signals crossing. Would a “Dutch Date” to provide you with private time outside of your normal group or random passing interaction be so farfetched? This would leave no debt, or sense of being used for either, in the event that there were no romantic sparks exchanged and the first or second date, would also be the last. We will also save the topic of the women who use and abuse men for dates when they are clearly not interested romantically but show enough interest to keep the man chasing, for another post as well (Thankfully, my background has saved me from falling victim to that trauma).

Some woman stray away from pursuing men. This idea, with the growth of the perception of a women’s role, is now socially acceptable. On the other hand, throwing yourself at a man, is not attractive. Going just a little out of your way with a smile, or speaking briefly with a greeting, are easy forwards that do not require much effort. A man can be just as equally interested in you, or not have noticed you by chance, though be interested completely. Some men, may just be a little intimidated due to failed attempts in the past with woman he may put on a pedestal, like yourself. Going even further, to suggest an outing with a man you know or have met would be flattering for him, and held within high regard. To offer to take the entire bill, will make him blush, and chances are he will insist he handle it. The over and above, planning the entire date and covering all of the expenses…BREATHTAKING! As a starter…maybe just cover a round of drinks if you’re not too crazy about the whole idea. As woman like men to show their affection and interest through action, men do as well. And ladies, wake-up call…SEX…is not the answer!

Taking away the control of the financial situation from just one side is a great thing for both parties. It forces both to be more creative to express their affections. It allows both to see the depth of the real person, versus the truth being shaded by a façade. A man can create himself to fit any bill if he deems that necessary to “get you”, but that may not be the life he truly is, And you…FRIEND, will catch the short end in the long run. A man would even spend money on a “prostitute” for sex. But only a man genuinely interested will invest thought, time and continuous effort. Though, this does not validate your, mental timeline for each step of progress in your relationship. You are an intelligent successful woman, you can make proper judgment. Although to do so, it’s in your best interest to remove all the opportunities for BS and false characterization.

Yes, Your Weekly bottle popper, steak house regular, BMW driver…may have no savings, stocks investments nor his own place.

Woman, besides clothes shopping…you spend smart when you can. Your mind, on average more than a man’s, thinks of the future in regards to your finances.

In closing, ask yourself this question:
Would you rather a man take you out on lavish expensive dates, purchase your expensive taste items, and splurge to show his “affection” OR him have been spending wisely to contribute or purchase for you in advance, that house, engagement ring, and wedding you’ve always dreamed of?

Unless your dating an investment banker who went to college on a scholarship…the odds of both, are not in your favor!

Just a thought…

Going Dutch...

I wanted to post a topic which my friends could comment on which everyone could relate to or have an opinion on. GOING DUTCH!

Going Dutch is a term used when a man and woman, out on a date/"friend outing", each pay for their own expenses or split the bill. This leads into debate in regards to the traditional idea of a man courting a woman. Recently, there have been more discussions in regards to going dutch with the current economic crisis our country is facing.

When is going dutch appropriate? How do the rules apply? Should you suggest? How would you react upon the request? How does the idea make you feel? Do you make assumptions about the man, and or his financial situation after he makes the proposition?...

Before I write my conclusion, I would like to hear from the readers! Feel free to interpret this as you desire, and also comment in reference to previous comments if you wish.

I would like this to be the first of many interactive topics and I need your participation. As always, feel free to invite a friend to check out the blog and the current topic. I look forward to your responses.

Your...Male Best Friend.

P.S. Ladies...ask male co-workers, friends, or even significant others their opinions. Feel free to invite them to post, or do give insight to opinions you've heard and your reaction/feeling toward them.

Ladies...How to help yourself or your girlfriend from keeping on the same path to nowhere with 'Jerk' from Loserville

( Words from the personal experience of my FRIEND "Daydreamer", check out her blog for the whole story: http://daydreamerscloud.blogspot.com/ )

So how can you help yourself or your girlfriends from keeping on the same path to Nowhere with 'Jerk' from Loserville??

1. Tell her it IS her that caused the mess.With this shock she'll be able the thoroughly analyze her screw ups. Why let your girl keep thinking nagging, pouting and bitching are ok?!!! Women are the best at placing the blame on 'him'. And yes, he probably is as bad as she says BUT why does she keep dating him- over and over again. Hmmmmm. Make her see her flaws, insecurities, 'Daddy Issues' or otherwise. She and the new HE will thank you for it later.
2. Encourage her to take up a hobby or go out ALONE.Call me crazy but there is nothing better than going to the movies or out to eat ALONE! It's so refreshing to see/ eat what YOU want when you want to. Any theater or restaurant is always happy to seat a party of one. :-) This will force her to keep her life balanced. Therefore when the new HE comes along he'll have to fit into her schedule instead of the other way around. Men love women with lives.
3. Keep her AWAY from We! TV and Oxygen Wedding shows. As a current addict myself, these types of shows don't help. All they do is become a constant reminder of the 'Loser'. Until she is OK with watching without thinking of her own wedding with 'Loser' can she be allowed to watch.
4. AFTER ALL of this....It is OK to tell her it is HIS LOSS AND NOT HERS! Because honestly and truly it will be. She will be secure in herself to see why she can do Bad all By Herself instead of wallowing and being needy for the next 'Ass' from Loserville. :-D

Lesson: Until we can stand ourselves no one else will be able to. Not only that but also due to the circumstances of life, we don't want her to become HER. As dear Champ describes, no one wants a HER. Ouch.

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Daydreamer,

Great advice and thank you for sharing your story with my friends. Do know I am here to aid you in your journey from Loserville to Reality!

Quick comments on each section above:
1. Great stray away from the constant rhetoric of "all men are dogs"! Though I will say, blame can sometimes be one sided, but which side if not both is not always agreed upon. It is always good to fully analyze your failed relationships to completely move on and close that chapter, as well as learn from why it failed to better yourself and prepare you for the future "HE". Be honest with yourself and analyze with your brain and not your heart.
2.Keeping busy is a great way to take your mind off of the ex, and keep from back sliding into his drama. Though be sure to not get caught up in doing it because of him. Its an excellent opportunity to re-connect with yourself and passions in life, but over time make sure its all about you. Be sure not to be "Miss Too Independent" with your new carefree busy schedule. Do learn to Love yourself again, but not so caught up in "Me" that the new "HE" is pushed away.
3.These shows are detrimental even to the woman in a happy relationship, lol. Yes, do stay away. And general advice, NEVER PRESSURE A MAN INTO A RELATIONSHIP OR MARRIAGE. Not worth the "happiness" you desire which is now put in high risk for failure. Allow a man to move at a comfortable pace. (though lets not be silly friends, adults "dating" for 5 years or living together for 3, with not even the talk of "marriage" or future...somethings wrong)
4. KNOW YOUR WORTH!!! No one will love you like you need to be loved, nor will you be able to appreciate that love until you are completely happy and in love with yourself!

Your...Male Best Friend

My Boyfriend Wants to Move In...

Anonymous said...
I have been with my current boyfriend for 2 year. We are getting serious and have been talking about marriage. However..we never lived together. He thinks we should move in now but I don't think so. I'm not super traditional but I would rather wait until we are married to live together. He says we need to see each others habits..but I think that "habits" should not be able to make or break a marriage...what do you think??

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Friend,

This is a very very tough topic in which many factors have to be considered in the decision process. You may need to email me on this one, though I'll address it best as I can here...

Marriage...One of the top 3 serious commitments a man and woman can make together (other two of the top three are having a child and buying a home). For better or worse, richer or poor, through sickness and health...Deep unconditional love beyond all flaws, even learning to love the flaws and accept them. This mind set is not easily achieved and seldom do young men realize the seriousness of this commitment before marriage. Yes, I'm sure he loves you, yes I believe that he may seriously be considering the marriage...though, moving in for the purpose of wanting to see your partners habits, is dangerous territory!

Marriage is a lifetime commitment. There is no problem that you have the option not to work through. There is no habit that you can despise enough to not want to be in the relationship anymore. When you are in the dating, BF/GF stage...you have that option...option to decide that you do not want to deal with a particular situation...option to decide that there is something about your significant other that you don't want to deal with for the rest of your life. Many many options. Marriage only has one option...MAKE IT WORK! Yes it is a choice either way, though marriage is a promise and commitment before the Lord to choose to stay and work it out till death, so you already know how that situation to arise 15 years from now will (is supposed to) turn out.

Living habits are a big deal. It is one of the first test a new marriage that waited to live together will face. So his concern is not invalid, though there is a much more mature way to not only prepare for living habits, but for all issues in marriage. Commitment to open communication, and healthy compromise. The fact of the matter is, there will be times in any marriage where a husband and wife do not see eye to eye. As this is the case with I'm sure in the dating stage as well. How do the two of you deal with conflict within. When there is an issue, can you two sit and talk about it without arguing, and come to a understanding? Have the two of you realized things about each other that you don't particularly care for though have not just chose to deal with it, but accepted it as part of the partner you've come to love?

One of the books I recommend is titled "The Five Love Languages". Being "In Love" is this state of euphoria you reach sometime in the first year of the relationship and can last as long as up to year two (2) or three (3) of the relationship. "Love" is a choice, and you choose to Love someone after the state of euphoria passes. After you mind and heart can actually coincide and love realistically, after they can no longer hide that they don't brush their teeth at nite, or they leave the toilet seat up, or they don't look cute/handsome everyday, and they skip a shower on Sundays (hopefully not)...Feel free to read the text for further detail.

You two may just be coming out of the "In Love" state and having to choose to Love each other, which takes some time. From a male perspective. Moving in is our version of...testing the waters. 'Yeah I love her, we've been talking about this marriage thing, though let me see if I can really do this. Maybe the two of you should have an open conversation over drinks one night about bad habits you have. Or I'm sure you both have started to notice things around when you visit each other. Use these things as preparation for living together when married, and feel free to bring them up in casual conversation so that your partner can begin to realize the issue and maybe work on it prior. Take this time to grow a deeper stronger bond and reach the true state of "love", Unconditional Love by choice!

Wrapping up, the only scenario I would suggest a non-married couple move in together is for serious financial reasons. And don't make this an excuse, it will only come back to haunt you. Living together releases a lot of your freedom and jumping the gun can harm a healthy growing relationship. Possibly, to save money and prepare yourself for marriage and the wedding...Move in after you're engaged (after a date is set). This shows that the two of you have made up in your mind that you are ready and on the move.

In Closing, Don't move him in friend!

Your...Male Best Friend

My Boyfriend Lost His Job...

Comment Post from Anonymous:

Anonymous said...
So...My Boyfriend recently lost his job due to a layoff. Sincethen...our reelationship has been on the rocks, he has been standoff-ish and i would say depressed. Of course I try to hold him down, And I do love him...though I dont know how else to support him or make things right. Any advice???
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Friend,

Your boyfriend is going through one of the most demoralizing things a man can experience. Not only losing his job, but dealing with not being able to be the “man” for his woman. The state of depression is normal, though it is vital that you do not allow him to fall so deep into the state that it is difficult for him to recuperate. It is important that you stay strong, for him, and your relationship and not feed into the sad feeling. You also definitely don’t want to be the girlfriend who is pressuring him to get a job because “I’m not going to be taking care of no man”, because that only demoralizes him further. Instead, support him…Maybe help him update his resume, or even surprise him and do it for him. Make him feel like you are behind his quest and that this is an opportunity for him to get that fresh start he always wanted. If there were any things he always complained about from his old job, bring them up, get him excited about the opportunity to move on and potentially find a better opportunity. Stick by this man in these troubling times and trust, he will love you like he has never loved before and will always be grateful. This is also an opportunity for you and your man to bond closer emotionally. You never want to argue with him about the situation, though clear, open honest calm communication is key in this period.

Now ladies…Trust, it should be the main priority of this man to find a new gig ASAP! YES…this is a depressing situation for a man, though as a man…you take the punches and roll with them never letting anything get the best of you. You usually are aware of the end of the road at your Job, and should be making plans for the next move prior to the current job is over. Stand by your love, though when you reach the border line of “Love and Foolish”, it might be time to go to plan B, lol. You’ll know the feeling when you hit that line, and if not…Feel free to consult me.

Hope this has helped.

Your…Male Best Friend

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Perfect Love...

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, To have a deep soul relationship with another, To be loved thoroughly and exclusively, But God to a Christian says: "No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, With having an intensely personal and unique Relation with Me alone, Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, Will you be capable of the perfect relationship That I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me, Exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing One that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to give it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things; Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I AM; Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you. You just wait, Do not be anxious, do not worry, Do not look at the things you want; You just keep looking off and the way up to Me Or you will miss what I want to show you. the one I have for you is ready (I am working even at this moment to Have both ready at the same time), Until you are both satisfied exclusively With ME and the life that I have prepared for you, You will not be able to experience the love that exemplifies Your relationship with Me, And this is the Perfect Love. And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your Relationship with Me, and to enjoy Materially and concretely, The everlasting union of beauty, perfectness, And love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly. I am God. Believe, and be satisfied."

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