Beginning a relationship is generally the easy part; it's maintaining the connection that gets a little tricky. That's why a growing number of twosomes (whether or not they've tied the knot) are going into couples therapy as a preemptive strike against the tough times that will inevitably hit... and to learn how to keep the good times flowing. To give you a leg up in your love life, the country's top relationship experts' crucial things they've uncovered over the years are shared below -- from big-picture philosophies to little gestures that go a long way. These practices will help keep your union in a happy, healthy place.
1. Act Out of Character. Couples develop a particular dynamic: the way they relate to each other that repeats itself over and over. If you break that pattern and act against type -- in a positive way -- you inject new life into the relationship. For example, if you always get angry at your guy when he doesn't follow through on some chore, try addressing him in a nicer, more friendly tone, then thank him when he does a good job. It works every time. -- Toni Coleman, psychotherapist and relationship coach in McLean, Virginia
2. Get in Touch a Lot. No doubt you hug and kiss each other. But simple acts like stroking his arm while you're watching TV and taking his hand when you're walking down the street are also ways to bond. Touching your partner throughout the day triggers your feel-good hormones, which reinforces your affection and makes you feel closer on an instinctive level. -- Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, PhD, author of "Emotional Fitness for Couples"
3. Take Turns Talking. To make sure you both get a chance to state what's on your mind during a disagreement -- and get your points across -- alternate playing reflective therapist, where one listens while the other talks. -- Psychologist Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of "Opening Love's Door"
4. Find the Intersection. When making decisions together, try to find common ground. You each should write down exactly what you want. Let's say you're angling for a vacay in San Francisco to see the sights and hit up the cool shops and restaurants, while he wants a tropical getaway where he can veg out by the pool and sip drinks with umbrellas in the glass. Now that your desires are clearly laid out on paper, you can pick a place that will satisfy both your needs. A cool city, a little sun... how about Miami? -- Paul Dobransky, MD, author of "The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love"
5. Be More Positive Than Negative. There's a more effective way to air grievances than to file an angry complaint. Sandwich your negative comment between two positives. If you want to complain about how he's always late, for example, try something like "You know, I love that you're so laid-back and easygoing, but it really bothers me when you show up so late. I'm sure you can still be the fun guy I adore and also be on time." -- Los Angeles psychologist Yvonne Thomas, PhD
6. Echo Each Other. When you and your man are having a serious relationship talk, it's easy to get so caught up in how you want to respond that you're not really listening to what's being said. That's why it's important for both of you to repeat each other: so you know you've been heard and you feel understood. -- Yvonne Thomas
7. Take a Time-Out. Neither of you is perfect, and the quirks you both have are here to stay. So rather than let those annoying traits work your last nerve, try to get in touch with the upside of those particular flaws, even if it's not immediately recognizable. Instead of getting annoyed when he starts screaming at the TV, for example, remind yourself how much you love his passion. Or if his shyness with new people bugs you, think about how refreshing it is to be with a chill, genuine guy rather than a blowhard who needs to chat with everyone in the room. -- Denver psychologist Jennifer Oikle, PhD, dating coach for Coupling Connection
8. Have His Back. You might not agree with your guy when he's had a riff with a friend or he thinks his boss is being unfair, but you should always be on his side... and vice versa. Otherwise, you'll both feel like you can't count on each other. That doesn't mean you have to take the "you're so right" route all the time. Just hear him out, and let him know that you'll support him no matter what. -- New York City psychotherapist JoAnn Magdoff, PhD
9. Spend a Little Money on Each Other. You don't have to wait for a special occasion to give small presents to show your love. In fact, gifts are more fun -- and meaningful -- when they're not expected. Try to get into the habit of exchanging sweet tokens of appreciation for no particular reason. Don't go and blow your paycheck though. It's not about being extravagant; it's just a way of showing that you really get -- and think about -- each other. Maybe you buy him a tee of his favorite band that you saw on sale or he gets you a pair of pajamas in your favorite color. -- Barton Goldsmith
10. Be a Good Date. Face it, no one can stay fascinating forever. After being together for a while, the initial excitement fades, and your guy can start to get kind of boring sometimes. Hey, don't think you're off the hook -- if you're feeling a little ho-hum about him, the feeling is likely mutual! To combat the blahs, take turns coming up with an interesting date idea every month. Keep the time and details to yourself, and try to think outside the box -- dinner and a movie is not exactly innovative. An awesome concert or a snowboarding lesson, for example, is a much less predictable treat. -- Jennifer Oikle
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
7 Scary Truths About Getting Engaged
7 Scary Truths About Getting Engaged
The bling-bling ring and fine fiancé are divine. But there's a lot of surprising baggage that comes with them (and no one warns you about it). Before you freak, turn to these sanity-saving tips.
By Colleen Rush.
You have wedding bells chiming in your head and a prebridal buzz pumping through your veins. Once you are engaged, life is perfect. Right? Well, kinda. Of course you get giddy recounting how he popped the question and wagging your rock at everyone. But wait, maybe you don't always feel so fabulous. Maybe doubts and freak-outs are crashing your party, to the point where you're thinking, Boy ... I'm not feeling like the world's most deliriously happy fiancée anymore.Okay, don't panic. It's normal and even necessary to experience premarital mini-dramas, so the biggest mistake you could make at this point is not riding them out. All it takes is a little patience, savvy, and forethought to sail through to "I do." Here's how to navigate around these before-the-wedding bliss busters — from your friends becoming jealous of the newly engaged you to arguing with your fiancé about money. This way you're more prepared (and excited) for your big day and thereafter.
SCARY TRUTH 1You Start Noticing (and Cringing at) His Little QuirksWhen you're simply dating, you don't pay much mind to his weird little idiosyncrasies, like his penchant for telling The World's Longest Story to your whip-smart friends, only to end with, "Uh, I forgot why I was telling that story." But when you're thisclose to marrying the man, his minor flaws suddenly grow into major personality defects because you realize they'll be with you for life. "My fiancé sits up straight when he burps so he can get much better tone and volume," says Mary,* 29. "It never bothered me before, but now I imagine him doing that in front of our kids and I think, He's my soul mate?"
But just because you notice those gross or annoying habits — maybe even for the first time — doesn't necessarily mean they'll grate on you until you die. "It's normal to take stock of the little things when you're talking about living with someone forever," says Li Robbins, author of Going Bridal: How to Get Married Without Losing Your Mind. In essence, you're giving him a closer inspection, sort of like when you buy a car. You scrutinize dents and everything under the hood before you sign on the dotted line. And sure, you'll find flaws if you look hard enough, but that doesn't mean he's not a keeper. "Once the wedding hoopla is over, you won't even remember most of the petty issues that seemed impossible to live with," says Robbins. And the rest? Remember you're in love with this guy for the real reasons, not because he polishes the toilet seat or sets the table perfectly (otherwise, you'd be marrying Thom from Queer Eye).
SCARY TRUTH 2Your Friends Get Flaky ... or CrankyThe very people who brought you Kleenex and bonbons when you were at your worst hour may seem to turn on you in the afterglow of your engagement, griping about the bridesmaid dresses or forgetting to call you on girls' night out. "Like it or not, your getting engaged is an emotional experience for your friends too," says Sara Bliss, author of The Thoroughly Modern Married Girl. "They're reflecting on where they are in their lives. They might be jealous because they're still single or because they've been dating longer than you, or even angry if they feel like they're losing a friend. And quite frankly, some of them are going to be a pain in the neck."By the same token, understand that even your best girlfriends will tire of hearing you go on and on about cake tastings and dress fittings. Make a point of asking about their jobs, families, and love interests. And though your schedule may be jammed, keep a few "friend rituals" in place, like weekly drink dates or window-shopping together. But if some pals clearly aren't supportive of you (you know, the suddenly toxic ones who talk about the skyrocketing divorce rates or how overpriced wedding dresses are), it's okay to let 'em go, along with the sidekicks who were fun to guy-hunt with but can't accept the bonded you. "Getting engaged is the perfect excuse to weed out superficial friends," says Bliss. "You outgrow certain people, and that's okay."
SCARY TRUTH 3You Turn into the Nag You Swore You'd Never BeYou silently vowed you'd never evolve into one of those high-strung fiancées. Yet, chances are, you'll find yourself screeching at him at some point because he forgot to call the photographer or griping "I'll do it myself — as usual" whenever he flakes on planning. "You have to realize that he didn't grow up dreaming about his wedding the way you did," says Robbins, "and he might be staying out of the way because he's afraid of screwing up. Don't confuse his laid-back attitude about your wedding with his feelings for the marriage."You also have to factor in the outside angst that's making you turn on your fiancé. Suddenly, everyone's making wedding demands on you ("I need a vegetarian entrée!"; "Can I bring along my six cousins?"), not him. So find clever ways to mobilize him into action, suggests Bliss. Entrust him with all the honeymoon details. Give him a guy-friendly to-do list of jobs, like checking out bands, going to the caterer tasting, setting up transportation, and laser-tagging cool gadgets for your registry.
SCARY TRUTH 4You (Possibly) Feel Tempted to CheatMen aren't the only ones who panic at the thought of sleeping with the same person forever — women can get equally anxious. And it's not because your sex life together is eh. It's that once you're engaged, other men become the forbidden fruit. You start thinking about all the varieties you've never had or can't ever sample again, like the ex whose chemistry rocked your world or the flirty bartender who slips you his number. Along with those thoughts may come mental loopholes like, "It's not so bad if I fool around, because I'm not actually married yet." Take Karen, 26, for example. "My bachelorette party was one of the first official drunken girls' nights out I'd had since the engagement. I was looking around thinking, I could hook up with so many guys here. Later, I felt so guilty for even imagining it."When you're a bride-to-be, it may seem like a betrayal to be attracted to someone else. But really, it's just part of the program. "You don't lobotomize your libido when you get engaged," says Dale Atkins, PhD, a psychologist in New York City and the advice columnist for WeddingChannel.com. "Wondering if you'll get bored or checking out the UPS guy's rear doesn't mean that you'll be unfaithful or you're not made for each other. It shows you're still a sexual being with desires, and believe me, your fiancé is okay with that." Because for all the lusty daydreams you may have, it's still just in your head, not your heart.
SCARY TRUTH 5Little Signs "We're Not Meant to Be" Start Cropping UpOnce you're engaged, insignificant situations have a way of snowballing into major issues. The blender from him that was a testament to your margarita-making skills now seems like a domestic shackle. Your lust life tapers off for a week, and instead of thinking it's from wedding stress, you're convinced it's a forecast of boring marital sex. Habits of his that were charming and hopeful before you got engaged — such as dreamily mentioning that he'd like to open a cigar bar someday or hatching yet another wacky get-rich-quick plan — are just scary now."Little things take on huge meaning because your expectations have changed without your realizing it," says Atkins. Getting engaged is really the starting point for building your life together, and you start envisioning the long-term, from what kind of couple you'll be to what your life together will be like.And while it's healthy to wonder about the future, don't overanalyze. "Reading too much into his behavior and lumping those so-called red flags together is what makes them seem so overwhelming, so take each little sign for what it really is," says Atkins. (Sometimes a blender is just a blender.) And when it comes to dealing with his out-of-left-field whims, eventually you'll learn what's legit and when he's fantasizing after a crappy day in his cubicle. You'll also feel more secure that you'll make those big decisions as a couple when the time is right.SCARY TRUTH 6Cash Becomes a Tricky TopicWhen you're planning a wedding, you'll be faced with making major money decisions together that will reveal things you never knew about each other. You're a budget freak, and he's never balanced a checkbook. You want a big, fat wedding, but he'd rather have a big, fat house. "Everyone thinks that sex is so hard to talk about, but discussing money is more personal in a lot of ways," says Jonathan Rich, PhD, author of The Couple's Guide to Love and Money. But you have to talk Benjamins now.
The three things you need to discuss are how much the wedding will cost, who is contributing (between the two of you and both sets of parents), and how much each is putting in, says Rich. Getting those numbers in black and white will spare you the awkward, possibly ugly confrontation later, but expect to have a few disagreements. "Like most guys, he may have no clue about wedding costs, or he may have other plans for your cash," says Rich. "This is an opportunity to find out his views on money, what kind of lifestyle he envisions, and how the two of you can create a financially and emotionally stable life together."SCARY TRUTH 7Both of You Begin to ChangeOf course marriage gives you a new outlook on life, but changes really start when you get the ring. You go from being spontaneous, self-sufficient Me to a more cautious, settled, future-oriented We overnight. It's easy to get spooked by the subtle shift in your personality, but it's really a rite of passage. "You're in the process of letting go a part of your identity as a single woman, and it's perfectly natural to be a little sad or upset when you recognize those changes," says Atkins. But the truth is, the new, almost-married you is still ... you. You're simply evolving, the same way you did at every major turn of events in your life, from losing your virginity to going to college to starting your first job. The only difference is, when you're engaged, you're not alone in the transition. "I know my fiancé is giving up some of his bachelor freedom too," says Tyler, 28. "We talk about how weird it is, but because we're both experiencing it, I don't feel like I'm losing anything. We're slowly morphing into a true couple."BRIDE-TO-BE BONUSESWhen the pre-wedding frenzy has you wigging out, look forward to this jackpot of gems.Two words: gift registry. It's impolite to talk about it, but the idea of scoring all that loot is what gets you through those days when you want to leave your fiancé on the side of the road somewhere far, far away.Calling him "my fiancé." It's much better than the ever-so-high-schoolish "my boyfriend."Happy-couple perks. People are always giving you freebies and upgrades when they hear you're newly engaged, such as bottles of champagne and free dessert at restaurants.Shacking up. Parents who kept you strictly separated for overnighters at home tend to loosen up and let the lovebirds share a room.Family heirlooms. Grandma's pricey jewels and other sentimental stuff that's handed down through the family gets passed to you at wedding time. And some of it's actually good.Honeymoon planning. Think warm beaches, exotic cuisine, and having mucho, mucho "alone time".
The bling-bling ring and fine fiancé are divine. But there's a lot of surprising baggage that comes with them (and no one warns you about it). Before you freak, turn to these sanity-saving tips.
By Colleen Rush.
You have wedding bells chiming in your head and a prebridal buzz pumping through your veins. Once you are engaged, life is perfect. Right? Well, kinda. Of course you get giddy recounting how he popped the question and wagging your rock at everyone. But wait, maybe you don't always feel so fabulous. Maybe doubts and freak-outs are crashing your party, to the point where you're thinking, Boy ... I'm not feeling like the world's most deliriously happy fiancée anymore.Okay, don't panic. It's normal and even necessary to experience premarital mini-dramas, so the biggest mistake you could make at this point is not riding them out. All it takes is a little patience, savvy, and forethought to sail through to "I do." Here's how to navigate around these before-the-wedding bliss busters — from your friends becoming jealous of the newly engaged you to arguing with your fiancé about money. This way you're more prepared (and excited) for your big day and thereafter.
SCARY TRUTH 1You Start Noticing (and Cringing at) His Little QuirksWhen you're simply dating, you don't pay much mind to his weird little idiosyncrasies, like his penchant for telling The World's Longest Story to your whip-smart friends, only to end with, "Uh, I forgot why I was telling that story." But when you're thisclose to marrying the man, his minor flaws suddenly grow into major personality defects because you realize they'll be with you for life. "My fiancé sits up straight when he burps so he can get much better tone and volume," says Mary,* 29. "It never bothered me before, but now I imagine him doing that in front of our kids and I think, He's my soul mate?"
But just because you notice those gross or annoying habits — maybe even for the first time — doesn't necessarily mean they'll grate on you until you die. "It's normal to take stock of the little things when you're talking about living with someone forever," says Li Robbins, author of Going Bridal: How to Get Married Without Losing Your Mind. In essence, you're giving him a closer inspection, sort of like when you buy a car. You scrutinize dents and everything under the hood before you sign on the dotted line. And sure, you'll find flaws if you look hard enough, but that doesn't mean he's not a keeper. "Once the wedding hoopla is over, you won't even remember most of the petty issues that seemed impossible to live with," says Robbins. And the rest? Remember you're in love with this guy for the real reasons, not because he polishes the toilet seat or sets the table perfectly (otherwise, you'd be marrying Thom from Queer Eye).
SCARY TRUTH 2Your Friends Get Flaky ... or CrankyThe very people who brought you Kleenex and bonbons when you were at your worst hour may seem to turn on you in the afterglow of your engagement, griping about the bridesmaid dresses or forgetting to call you on girls' night out. "Like it or not, your getting engaged is an emotional experience for your friends too," says Sara Bliss, author of The Thoroughly Modern Married Girl. "They're reflecting on where they are in their lives. They might be jealous because they're still single or because they've been dating longer than you, or even angry if they feel like they're losing a friend. And quite frankly, some of them are going to be a pain in the neck."By the same token, understand that even your best girlfriends will tire of hearing you go on and on about cake tastings and dress fittings. Make a point of asking about their jobs, families, and love interests. And though your schedule may be jammed, keep a few "friend rituals" in place, like weekly drink dates or window-shopping together. But if some pals clearly aren't supportive of you (you know, the suddenly toxic ones who talk about the skyrocketing divorce rates or how overpriced wedding dresses are), it's okay to let 'em go, along with the sidekicks who were fun to guy-hunt with but can't accept the bonded you. "Getting engaged is the perfect excuse to weed out superficial friends," says Bliss. "You outgrow certain people, and that's okay."
SCARY TRUTH 3You Turn into the Nag You Swore You'd Never BeYou silently vowed you'd never evolve into one of those high-strung fiancées. Yet, chances are, you'll find yourself screeching at him at some point because he forgot to call the photographer or griping "I'll do it myself — as usual" whenever he flakes on planning. "You have to realize that he didn't grow up dreaming about his wedding the way you did," says Robbins, "and he might be staying out of the way because he's afraid of screwing up. Don't confuse his laid-back attitude about your wedding with his feelings for the marriage."You also have to factor in the outside angst that's making you turn on your fiancé. Suddenly, everyone's making wedding demands on you ("I need a vegetarian entrée!"; "Can I bring along my six cousins?"), not him. So find clever ways to mobilize him into action, suggests Bliss. Entrust him with all the honeymoon details. Give him a guy-friendly to-do list of jobs, like checking out bands, going to the caterer tasting, setting up transportation, and laser-tagging cool gadgets for your registry.
SCARY TRUTH 4You (Possibly) Feel Tempted to CheatMen aren't the only ones who panic at the thought of sleeping with the same person forever — women can get equally anxious. And it's not because your sex life together is eh. It's that once you're engaged, other men become the forbidden fruit. You start thinking about all the varieties you've never had or can't ever sample again, like the ex whose chemistry rocked your world or the flirty bartender who slips you his number. Along with those thoughts may come mental loopholes like, "It's not so bad if I fool around, because I'm not actually married yet." Take Karen, 26, for example. "My bachelorette party was one of the first official drunken girls' nights out I'd had since the engagement. I was looking around thinking, I could hook up with so many guys here. Later, I felt so guilty for even imagining it."When you're a bride-to-be, it may seem like a betrayal to be attracted to someone else. But really, it's just part of the program. "You don't lobotomize your libido when you get engaged," says Dale Atkins, PhD, a psychologist in New York City and the advice columnist for WeddingChannel.com. "Wondering if you'll get bored or checking out the UPS guy's rear doesn't mean that you'll be unfaithful or you're not made for each other. It shows you're still a sexual being with desires, and believe me, your fiancé is okay with that." Because for all the lusty daydreams you may have, it's still just in your head, not your heart.
SCARY TRUTH 5Little Signs "We're Not Meant to Be" Start Cropping UpOnce you're engaged, insignificant situations have a way of snowballing into major issues. The blender from him that was a testament to your margarita-making skills now seems like a domestic shackle. Your lust life tapers off for a week, and instead of thinking it's from wedding stress, you're convinced it's a forecast of boring marital sex. Habits of his that were charming and hopeful before you got engaged — such as dreamily mentioning that he'd like to open a cigar bar someday or hatching yet another wacky get-rich-quick plan — are just scary now."Little things take on huge meaning because your expectations have changed without your realizing it," says Atkins. Getting engaged is really the starting point for building your life together, and you start envisioning the long-term, from what kind of couple you'll be to what your life together will be like.And while it's healthy to wonder about the future, don't overanalyze. "Reading too much into his behavior and lumping those so-called red flags together is what makes them seem so overwhelming, so take each little sign for what it really is," says Atkins. (Sometimes a blender is just a blender.) And when it comes to dealing with his out-of-left-field whims, eventually you'll learn what's legit and when he's fantasizing after a crappy day in his cubicle. You'll also feel more secure that you'll make those big decisions as a couple when the time is right.SCARY TRUTH 6Cash Becomes a Tricky TopicWhen you're planning a wedding, you'll be faced with making major money decisions together that will reveal things you never knew about each other. You're a budget freak, and he's never balanced a checkbook. You want a big, fat wedding, but he'd rather have a big, fat house. "Everyone thinks that sex is so hard to talk about, but discussing money is more personal in a lot of ways," says Jonathan Rich, PhD, author of The Couple's Guide to Love and Money. But you have to talk Benjamins now.
The three things you need to discuss are how much the wedding will cost, who is contributing (between the two of you and both sets of parents), and how much each is putting in, says Rich. Getting those numbers in black and white will spare you the awkward, possibly ugly confrontation later, but expect to have a few disagreements. "Like most guys, he may have no clue about wedding costs, or he may have other plans for your cash," says Rich. "This is an opportunity to find out his views on money, what kind of lifestyle he envisions, and how the two of you can create a financially and emotionally stable life together."SCARY TRUTH 7Both of You Begin to ChangeOf course marriage gives you a new outlook on life, but changes really start when you get the ring. You go from being spontaneous, self-sufficient Me to a more cautious, settled, future-oriented We overnight. It's easy to get spooked by the subtle shift in your personality, but it's really a rite of passage. "You're in the process of letting go a part of your identity as a single woman, and it's perfectly natural to be a little sad or upset when you recognize those changes," says Atkins. But the truth is, the new, almost-married you is still ... you. You're simply evolving, the same way you did at every major turn of events in your life, from losing your virginity to going to college to starting your first job. The only difference is, when you're engaged, you're not alone in the transition. "I know my fiancé is giving up some of his bachelor freedom too," says Tyler, 28. "We talk about how weird it is, but because we're both experiencing it, I don't feel like I'm losing anything. We're slowly morphing into a true couple."BRIDE-TO-BE BONUSESWhen the pre-wedding frenzy has you wigging out, look forward to this jackpot of gems.Two words: gift registry. It's impolite to talk about it, but the idea of scoring all that loot is what gets you through those days when you want to leave your fiancé on the side of the road somewhere far, far away.Calling him "my fiancé." It's much better than the ever-so-high-schoolish "my boyfriend."Happy-couple perks. People are always giving you freebies and upgrades when they hear you're newly engaged, such as bottles of champagne and free dessert at restaurants.Shacking up. Parents who kept you strictly separated for overnighters at home tend to loosen up and let the lovebirds share a room.Family heirlooms. Grandma's pricey jewels and other sentimental stuff that's handed down through the family gets passed to you at wedding time. And some of it's actually good.Honeymoon planning. Think warm beaches, exotic cuisine, and having mucho, mucho "alone time".
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