I have been with my current boyfriend for 2 year. We are getting serious and have been talking about marriage. However..we never lived together. He thinks we should move in now but I don't think so. I'm not super traditional but I would rather wait until we are married to live together. He says we need to see each others habits..but I think that "habits" should not be able to make or break a marriage...what do you think??
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Friend,
This is a very very tough topic in which many factors have to be considered in the decision process. You may need to email me on this one, though I'll address it best as I can here...
Marriage...One of the top 3 serious commitments a man and woman can make together (other two of the top three are having a child and buying a home). For better or worse, richer or poor, through sickness and health...Deep unconditional love beyond all flaws, even learning to love the flaws and accept them. This mind set is not easily achieved and seldom do young men realize the seriousness of this commitment before marriage. Yes, I'm sure he loves you, yes I believe that he may seriously be considering the marriage...though, moving in for the purpose of wanting to see your partners habits, is dangerous territory!
Marriage is a lifetime commitment. There is no problem that you have the option not to work through. There is no habit that you can despise enough to not want to be in the relationship anymore. When you are in the dating, BF/GF stage...you have that option...option to decide that you do not want to deal with a particular situation...option to decide that there is something about your significant other that you don't want to deal with for the rest of your life. Many many options. Marriage only has one option...MAKE IT WORK! Yes it is a choice either way, though marriage is a promise and commitment before the Lord to choose to stay and work it out till death, so you already know how that situation to arise 15 years from now will (is supposed to) turn out.
Living habits are a big deal. It is one of the first test a new marriage that waited to live together will face. So his concern is not invalid, though there is a much more mature way to not only prepare for living habits, but for all issues in marriage. Commitment to open communication, and healthy compromise. The fact of the matter is, there will be times in any marriage where a husband and wife do not see eye to eye. As this is the case with I'm sure in the dating stage as well. How do the two of you deal with conflict within. When there is an issue, can you two sit and talk about it without arguing, and come to a understanding? Have the two of you realized things about each other that you don't particularly care for though have not just chose to deal with it, but accepted it as part of the partner you've come to love?
One of the books I recommend is titled "The Five Love Languages". Being "In Love" is this state of euphoria you reach sometime in the first year of the relationship and can last as long as up to year two (2) or three (3) of the relationship. "Love" is a choice, and you choose to Love someone after the state of euphoria passes. After you mind and heart can actually coincide and love realistically, after they can no longer hide that they don't brush their teeth at nite, or they leave the toilet seat up, or they don't look cute/handsome everyday, and they skip a shower on Sundays (hopefully not)...Feel free to read the text for further detail.
You two may just be coming out of the "In Love" state and having to choose to Love each other, which takes some time. From a male perspective. Moving in is our version of...testing the waters. 'Yeah I love her, we've been talking about this marriage thing, though let me see if I can really do this. Maybe the two of you should have an open conversation over drinks one night about bad habits you have. Or I'm sure you both have started to notice things around when you visit each other. Use these things as preparation for living together when married, and feel free to bring them up in casual conversation so that your partner can begin to realize the issue and maybe work on it prior. Take this time to grow a deeper stronger bond and reach the true state of "love", Unconditional Love by choice!
Wrapping up, the only scenario I would suggest a non-married couple move in together is for serious financial reasons. And don't make this an excuse, it will only come back to haunt you. Living together releases a lot of your freedom and jumping the gun can harm a healthy growing relationship. Possibly, to save money and prepare yourself for marriage and the wedding...Move in after you're engaged (after a date is set). This shows that the two of you have made up in your mind that you are ready and on the move.
In Closing, Don't move him in friend!
Your...Male Best Friend
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